I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.W. C. Fields
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
t takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns
Food s an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.